


Trust/Capability

by sshomoerotica



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Gen or Pre-Slash, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-23
Updated: 2014-04-23
Packaged: 2018-01-20 12:29:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1510466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sshomoerotica/pseuds/sshomoerotica
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan said no on Horizon. He follows Shepard to Mars. Shepard isn't sure why the months felt more like years, or why Kaidan's distrusting gaze hurts so much. Mostly, he thinks about how good it feels to have Kaidan back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trust/Capability

**Author's Note:**

> trust [truhst]  
> noun  
> 1\. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.  
> 2\. confident expectation of something; hope.
> 
>  
> 
> capable [kay-puh-buhl]  
> adjective  
> 1\. having power and ability; efficient; competent: a capable instructor.
> 
> (short, sweet, and to some sort of point)

The Reapers are coming. Shepard fucking knows this, has known it for years, and as terrified as he feels it's mostly frustration twisting his gut and curling his lip as he snaps unnecessarily at Anderson. It isn't that Shepard's above an "I told you so" moment, but this isn't the time; the Reapers aren't just some threat you magically get rid of at the nth hour. No one fucking listened, and now Shepard knows the galaxy is going to suffer for it. So he snaps at Anderson and hurls barbed words at the idea of politicians and councils.

 

But then he catches sight of Alenko – _Major_ Kaidan Alenko, if he heard that right, and god damn, but it has been a _long_ time. Kaidan even throws Shepard a little smile, as if the last time they met he didn't all but call Shepard a traitor to humanity. Now they barely have time for a hello and a goodbye, Shepard rushed on by Anderson, but he can’t stop thinking about him, that maybe Kaidan’s finally buried the hatchet and they can move on.

 

Shepard never hated Kaidan, sure as hell always understood where he was coming from, but he’d thought their friendship dead a long time ago. He'd counted Kaidan out, forgotten how good it felt when he threw a half-roguish, half-encouraging little grin Shepard’s way. He can still remember the way their biotics would spark if they got too close, Kaidan's less-than-stable L2s always a bit sketchy.

 

What’s new is the way Shepard’s knees go to jelly in the shuttle once he realizes that Kaidan has survived the Reaper invasion – once he’s actually taken time to process exactly how damn near-death that entire scenario was. It doesn’t go away for hours. Shepard sits with his elbows on his knees and his calloused fingertips pressed to his lips and watches the stars race by as they scramble to safer space. He remembers the boy in the air vent, the same boy who scrambled onto a useless shuttle, and then he remembers that Joker is alive, EDI too, and Kaidan is somewhere on this ship, still breathing, and isn’t that enough? Earth he will avenge – but those on this ship he will protect. He clenches his jaw and breathes through his nose and waits for his sea-legs to come back to him.

  


***

 

Kaidan was a helluva soldier to have on the field, and Shepard's known a lot of good soldiers. Of course, Shepard knows more soldiers now, good soldiers, and though he found people to take the spot Kaidan left behind, nothing has him prepared for how good it feels, weight-off-his-shoulders-for-the-first-time-in-ages _good_ to have Kaidan with him on Mars.

 

That is, until Kaidan brings up Cerberus. Shepard understands, he really _does_ , but Kaidan didn't elect to _not_ be a part of Shepard's team just to come back in and judge him for jobs he wasn't even present for. It gets under his skin, itchy and sharp. Kaidan has _no idea_ what Shepard went through. Shepard worked for Cerberus, sure, but really Cerberus was working for Shepard. He did just enough to please the Illusive Man, but any extra got siphoned off to better sources, with real help and charity for humanity as well as the galaxy at large.

 

But Kaidan won't hear it, stubborn and righteous and proud, and it gnaws at Shepard’s guts every time be catches Kaidan hesitating, or watching him. The space between them feels like years and not months. As good as it feels to have Kaidan watching his six, there’s that little feeling like sharp little knives digging into Shepard’s stomach, because he knows how Kaidan’s eyeing him, like he expects the Illusive Man to show up and put a gun to his head. As if Shepard would become the Illusive Man’s little puppet. As if Shepard would let the Illusive Man do that – as if Shepard would ever let _anyone_ put a gun to Kaidan’s _anything_. The fact that after all they’ve been through, that Kaidan thinks Shepard can be bought, can be changed by one man–… He thinks about Kaidan maybe being one of those people that thinks Shepard isn’t himself anymore; maybe he’s bought into those stupid, inane rumours that Shepard is a clone with a chip in his brain. The rumour that turns Shepard into nothing more than a little toy soldier the Illusive Man winds up and points in any damn direction he pleases. To think of Kaidan – great and perfectly good Kaidan Alenko who would shine like a supernova even in a black hole – could see Shepard that way… It hurts. It makes all of Shepard’s old war wounds flare and ache. It's a lack of trust, one-sided and utterly unfair and it's making Shepard's Singularities wobble and fade out early; it's making him miss slow and easy shots. It makes Shepard messy, even after Kaidan claims they've cleared the air.

  
"The Major has become very capable," Liara mentions with a near grin, pointedly not looking at Shepard. As if he didn't already know. Shepard says _yeah_ , flippant and dismissive, but Kaidan has _always_ been capable. Kaidan's _always_ been great. It's just painful to see how much better Kaidan became after he left Shepard behind.


End file.
